I desperately want to improve my ability to communicate as a writer. When I think of my greatest barriers to that goal, I think the biggest hindrance is editing and critiquing my own work. The process of writing and revising is not only tedious and requires time (that means giving up waiting until the last minute), but it also frightens me. I am fearful at the notion that it’s not “perfect” when it is first written and indeed may never be. The idea that my thoughts could be improved upon (even by my own editing) has somehow been interpreted as inferiority, incompetency and inadequacy.  So I typically resort to procrastination as a reliable defense strategy; thus, if the work is not well-received, at least I have a psychological defense against the internal accusation that I failed.  Rather, I just did not dedicate enough time to making it better.  In honesty, I must admit that the anxiety never subsides and returns with every new task.

On the other hand, it also seems to me arrogant to consider that what has initially been written cannot be developed further. I suppose then from the presence of these two (arrogance and fear) in my case, that these two might be fraternal twins, two different seeds occupying the same womb . That when we are most arrogant, we are actually asserting superiority to protect ourselves against the fear that is gnawing at our souls. We ascend the heights to prove our significance and mastery over things and people in attempt to portray that we are unassailable to the hushed external and internal conversations that threaten that we really might not be as good as we had hoped.

***Progress: I have edited this document! And it’s not because I am less than, but because in the span of the initial draft and the latest draft I have become more and so have my thoughts.