I absolutely love Kendrick Lamar’s song, “i” from which he vaunts “I love myself.” I love to hear him sing it; painfully aware of the distance when I attempt to sing along.

Today, I’m thinking about the multitude of ways that I have rehearsed self-hate and self-rejection. Ways that I have been trained and groomed to discount myself; in ways similar to the marked down pricing of goods that have been overstocked: the manager’s strategy says “we gotta move this product.” Sometimes, the discount strategy signals that the product once in demand has become obsolete, shifting the promotion and marketing approach. What “was” has been mistakenly and conveniently reframed as ineffective when that’s not at all the case. How vulnerable value can be to manipulation and persuasion!

I’m thinking about the institutions that staged this duel between self vs self, advertising the fight as moral and righteous. I forgive them inasmuch as they were unaware. Sometimes, they profited hand over fist from this dogfight. I’m less apt to forgive. That one message in the fabric of me for which I still strive to wash out the stain. It’s that favorite garment in my dimly lit closet I still reach for and forget about the stain. But I wear it hoping that someone won’t notice, or at worst will think it’s freshly spilled morning breakfast in my haste getting ready this morning. By noon it leaves the conscious and I assume nobody else sees it anymore either. That is until the opportunity I unsuspectingly and unwittingly pass a mirror. I accept it is there and hope others will still see the beauty in my intention…toward a thoughtful wardrobe.

Such is the stain of self-hate imbued upon the soul. Unsurprisingly, there are those who consider it religious to don the emblem of self-hate on their freshly pressed choir robe.  And there most certainly is a chorus who sing the refrain. Perhaps we have believed that the ignominious emblem makes us less of a target in this life until we can escape to the next.

I’m thinking about how self-denial and self-sacrifice are ideas that have been subtly and deceptively equated with self-hate.

I’m thinking I’d like to change that.

I’m thinking that on the days I spot “it”, I’m at a loss for how to wash it out, if it can be.  The emperor’s new clothes?

So I begin here, thinking: Self-sacrifice is a quietly implicit & understated acknowledgement that the self is loved & worthy.  Any other transaction creates indebtedness.

I have more to say about this statement that I will share in an upcoming post.